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[personal profile] rensong
It also gets a tiny bit Emo - less in the "Woe is me!" and more in the "Arrgh, BITE ME" department, so seriously, you might want to ignore this. I decided not to lock it to "Private" only because this way I can pretend I'm ranting to a sympathetic audience - or not sympathetic, whatever - and not really just talking to myself. Seriously, I won't feel bad if you ignore it, because it's very self-centered.



I have an issue with being called beautiful. This is probably due in part to my inability to take a compliment well, but whatever it is, it never, ever fails to make my hackles rise when someone calls me beautiful. I'll take cute or pretty on occasion, and when I make a little bit of effort, I'll even take hot, sexy, or "Wow, you look amazing,"... but I really don't like beautiful.

Honestly, I know how horrible this makes me sound, but I don't want to be beautiful. The word me flinch and it actually kind of hurts, like the term is nothing more than a stone that has been thrown at me and hit me right in the chest, hard enough to leave a bruise - which is about the most illogical reaction one can have to that kind of compliment.

Beautiful is a foggy winter morning, the air in shades of rose and gold and the trees wearing glittering spires of hoar frost, delicate crystals that you dare not touch for fear of destroying them. Beautiful is the arid bones of the earth, painted in shades of red, brown, amber and gold during a desert sunset. Beauty is a clear, cold northern night with shades of color dancing across the sky, with the diamond-glitter of stars as a backdrop - cold and sharp and out of reach.

You want a less metaphorical and more human side of beauty? Yeah, I can do that, too. Beautiful is people turning aside their difference, laying away all the hate and anger and personal biases, so they can all join together and achieve something wonderful. Beauty is a mother or father holding their baby for the first time, or a fist full of dandelions in a tiny hand, given with all the love that one little heart can contain.

In my experience, "beautiful" is untouchable or out of reach; or it is just too big to be attributed to any one person all on her own - especially considering how beauty can be misused this day and age, and how some people think that because they are blessed with symmetrical, pleasing features, that beauty is all they really need to get by - intelligence and hard work be damned.

That's not me; I know that that's not me. But some part of me automatically assumes that is what everyone else thinks whenever the term "beautiful" is tossed in my direction. It makes me feel like an expensive art piece up in some famous museum, up on a pedestal so people can come by and gawk and try and figure out what I mean.



Actually, now that the words have been purged a bit, I don't know if I really feel better or just more shallow and self-centered.

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February 2012

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