rensong: (Default)
It also gets a tiny bit Emo - less in the "Woe is me!" and more in the "Arrgh, BITE ME" department, so seriously, you might want to ignore this. I decided not to lock it to "Private" only because this way I can pretend I'm ranting to a sympathetic audience - or not sympathetic, whatever - and not really just talking to myself. Seriously, I won't feel bad if you ignore it, because it's very self-centered.

I'll even hide it under a cut )

Actually, now that the words have been purged a bit, I don't know if I really feel better or just more shallow and self-centered.
rensong: (Default)
Saturday

* Ma Nature finally blessed the Tri Cities with an absolutely lovely day - sunshine, light wind, temps in the low 50s - so I tried to take advantage of it. First I hit Best Buy and bought a pair of headphones for my cell phone, so now I can be on the phone and doing stuff with *both* hands without having to go to speaker. Also, I can finally make use of the built in MP3 player I was so excited about

* Second I spent an hour and a half or so wandering up and down Columbia Park (also - opportunity to test out new head phones, hurrah!). Everyone else and their dog was there taking advantage of the sunshine - because, yeah, we haven't had that in, oh, I don't know, THREE AND A HALF FREAKING MONTHS! - but the walking path wasn't as crowded as I thought it would be, so yay for that, too. It also helped that I got to say hello to several of the dogs in question.

* Third, I drove up to Walmart - more because it is a rather nice drive than any desire to go there, but hey, we did need toilet paper. It was also lunch time, and they have a Blimpies attached, so I hit them up for lunch and then I spent about a half hour or so wandering around for lack of anything better to do. Almost bought a snazzy screened thermal shirt, but I was able to convince myself that no, the last thing I need is more clothes.

* Lacking anything else to do, I headed back to the house after Walmart to finish my laundry and watch some TV. Um Friend called around 3 and asked if I wanted to go to dinner, and when I said sure, I've been craving Mexican, he suggested we meet at a place over in Pasco at 4:30 to beat the dinner rush.

* After dinner, we did the movie thing at his place again. This time it was that X-Men/Wolverine movie (Wolverine: Origins?) because he was shocked I had never seen it. Movie was indeed quite good, but I totally found myself more distracted by how pretty Hugh's hair was for most of it than I was by the half-dozen gratuitous Shirtless Scenes, not to mention all the Running Around Naked Scenes. I have strange priorities.

* Headed back to the house around 8:30/9:00ish after we made plans to maybe get together for the NFL Championship games on Sunday.

Sunday

* Slept like crap and was having One Of Those Days where I wasn't sure I'd be good company, so I axed the tentative plans to get together for football. Took all my energy to drag my ass out of the house long enough to get groceries so I'd have lunch this week, and then I pretty much just shut myself up inside for the rest of the day.

* As both house mates were gone - one is off doing training this week, and the other one was out with some friends - I took advantage of having the house (and the big screen in the living room) to myself and grabbed some of the munchies I had lying around to make my own little Football Party of One for the NFC game. I made it through the first half before encroaching exhaustion from the sleepless night convinced me to pack away the goodies and catch the rest of the game in my room.

* Third quarter kinda vanished into a haze as I dozed off, and I didn't zone back in until spoilers for the Packers-Bears NFC championship )

My brain, man... Some days I seriously wonder.

* After the game, I spent the rest of the night watching whatever movies that happened to be on that I could tolerate, and when I ran out of those, I popped in some SG-1, which tided me over until I finally let myself go to bed at about 10.
rensong: (sleepy kitty)
Did not feel all that great yesterday afternoon; not sick, per se, but very tired and headachy. I crashed as soon as I got back to the house at 4:30 and slept - really slept, not just dozed off/zoned out like I usually do when I take a nap - and didn't wake up until almost 9 pm. I wasn't really hungry, either, but I did grab a bowl of cereal since I hadn't eaten anything since a handful of pretzels when I got home, and then I went back to bed. I knew I wasn't going to sleep, so I was up until midnight watching TV and catching up on my Hulu queue. I did turn in after that, but I didn't get any sort of sleep until around 4 or 4:30 in the morning when I finally managed about an hour, at which point I just called in sick because I was still tired and headachy and I knew that I would be pretty much useless if I tried to go in.

Slept another few hours before getting up just before 11 am. Still wasn't hungry, but I grabbed another bowl of cereal and some OJ, watched some more Hulu and popped my Wall-E DVD in after that to kill another hour or two before I crashed again at 2 pm. Woke up around 4, and though I'm still headachey, I'm not exhausted anymore, so hopefully I just needed the sleep.

There has also been some Emo, but I'm blaming that on the PMS. Actually, I'm blaming all of it on the PMS.
rensong: (not so far away)
Parents are headed back to Wisconsin tomorrow night. Right now I'm... okay... and more importantly, not freaking out - or at least I'm managing to stave off any freak-outs with blind determination. We'll see how I manage when I go to bed and have nothing better to occupy my brain.

First day of work is Monday - yet another thing I'm really hoping I won't freak out about. cut for additional not-quite-so-emo-but-still-kinda-emo stuff )


Anyway, sorry my posts have been full of Emo and Anxiety these last few days. This is me just trying to deal, and trying to talk myself into not freaking out over stupid stuff. Hopefully, once I get into the rhythm of things and realize that hey, I *can* do this and I have the computer documents to prove it, I'm hoping my posts will get back to normal spammity type stuff.
rensong: (not so far away)
This is a rather pathetic plea to my friends list for Fluffy and/or Inspiring Stuff. It is my second night in Washington state, and last night wasn't really the greatest. Also, I am PMSing, which in turn is probably making the Anxiety Thing ten times worse because sometimes estrogen freaking sucks. *AND*, because I am just masochistic like that (also, the free wireless here leaves a bit to be desires - between 5:00 and, like, 11:00, when everyone is at "home" getting their internet fix, it's pretty useless), I just finished watching Marley and Me on HBO.

So, yeah. This is a plea for something to get my mind off Stuff. I found Get Smart on one of the movie channels, so yay for that, but if you all could send me happy stories or funny videos or fluffy fan fiction links, that would be great.
rensong: (not so far away)
Spent the last two days in my room trying to distract myself from all the issues I can't really control. I've managed for the most part - thank god for books and fluffy fan fictions - but sometimes they still manage to sneak up on me.

Today roommates attempted to cheer me up by giving me a lovely bouquet of flowers fresh-cut from outside, which is currently sitting on top of my DVD shelf and making the room look quite a bit more cheerful. I am grateful, I just wish I was better at showing it right now.
rensong: (Default)
As of about 9:30 this morning, my Spring 2009 semester was officially over. Normally I'd be ecstatic about this, but I seriously can't bring myself to give a damn.

Also, I'm pretty sure I totally bombed the Chemistry final. The only reason I am not freaking out about this is because I went to the professor before the test and flat out told him that my life has been a freaking mess this last month and yes, there was crying, even though I really really tried to stay rational and not all "Pathetic Crying Female". Thankfully, he was extremely sympathetic. Can't help but be mad at myself for breaking down, though.
rensong: (lesser species)
I do not have a Dreamwidth account, nor do I plan on getting one unless everyone on my friends list stops using Live Journal. Just an FYI.

Also went back and locked last night's post because while at the time, I was very much "THIS IS MY EMO, WORLD! SCREW YOU FOR NEVER NOTICING!", today I'm more "um, yeah. Sorry world; you can go back to not noticing me now." I fail at drawing attention to myself.

In other news, finished my final GIS project! YAY! Now all I have left homework wise is a chemistry assignment and an online quiz on said assignment.
rensong: (sleepy kitty)
So I went home and stuff yesterday cause I had to go to Marshfield for some tax-and-insurance-stuff, and after that was taken care of, it was only another 15 minutes to go visit parents. It was also hot and I was super stressed and figured I could really use some parental comfort, so home I went. Got to the house about 2:00 ish, talked to my mom and dad a bit, and then I went outside to see NinerGirl. She can no longer walk or eat, she can barely hold up her head, and it's getting really hard for her to breath. Seeing her like that was the horrible angst-flavored frosting on The Stress Cake That Is Maren's Life (stealing your metaphor, Emma, cause it totally fits) right now, and it was also the emotional smack-down that broke through the walls I had been building up contain the dread Freak Out until I could deal with it at a proper time. This, of course, freed the Freak Out and I spent the next hour or so in my room crying into my pillow. I figure it's best to get it out of the way now, though, so hopefully I'm good for a bit on the Freak Out front, especially because these next two-to-five weeks are going to be rough.

cutting the List Of Stuff To Do These Next Few Weeks cause it is long )


And then the week *after* finals, the GIS II class starts Monday, May 18, and that will be the beginning of what I shall now refer to as The Three Weeks of Geographical Hell, in which classes run from 8 am to 12 pm, Monday through Friday, and that's not even including the additional hours I will no doubt spend at school working on all the labs. I kind of want to weep just thinking about it.

SCHOOL STUFF ASIDE, Mom and Dad continue to be awesome. I hate showing anyone my Emo, but it's nice to know that they'll be there for me no matter what. Like I've said before, some times you just need your Mommy/Daddy.

Also, Dad grilled burgers for dinner and they were good. And then there were storms all over the place, so the sky was doing all sorts of cool stuff and we had a big, bright *rainbow* that lasted a good half hour/hour or so that we took lots of pictures of, and then there was a super cool lightning show and Dad and I spent a good 20 minutes with the camera trying to capture some of the lightning in a picture (after taking at least 20 pictures each, we each got one really good shot out of it).

Then I had a cool dream... )

And then today Gramma took me out for Chinese. It was tasty, and it was really nice catching up with Gramma.

We all know I could ramble more, but I'll spare you all the space on your friends list. :D
rensong: (not so far away)
I am not freaking out about End of Semester and Finals and Lack of Money. Yet. I am, however, walking the edge and I know the Freaking Out is coming.

I am worrying about Nine. I don't think she has much time left - she's all bone and fur, no fat or muscle to speak of anymore, and her hips are almost completely out of alignment; she can barely pick her feet up off the ground when she walks. Sometimes she doesn't, and that's when she falls and can't get back up by herself.

It isn't often I shamelessly beg for comments, but I could really do with something happy. Would you all mind giving me links to some happy and/or fluffy stories? Or something that will make me laugh? I need to get my mind off of Things and I don't know how else to go about doing that.


ETA three days later
longer version of Susan Boyle's Britians Got Talent try out

Also, adding a "fluff" tag so the happy links are easier to find next I'm in need of them.
rensong: (not so far away)
I did finish one GIS assignment, so... progress.

Still have another assignment and a poster due by the end of the week, as well as some smaller assignments for Glacial and Mineralogy, to do by Tuesday. Not looking forward to the next week.

Also, I am Emoing as much as I ever Emo barring an actual anxiety attack. I have my "Emo Music" on and feel generally... I don't even know what to call it. Lonely is the closest, but it's not even really that.

Whatever, not going to try and put a name to it or explain it. i'm Not worth it.
rensong: (Default)
Back in Point. In the mood for some major comfort food cause the dread Anxiety has been hinting around the edges of my psyche since last night for some reason, so I'm heating up water to make up a new batch of Chai concentrate so I can make myself a latte. Unfortunately, I have no other form of comfort food except possibly popcorn. Actually, I don't know what qualifies as comfort food as far as I am concerned except maybe cinnamon rolls or some other form of baked good. Anyone want to make a suggestion?

It's one of those rare days I really truly wish I had a boyfriend, cause I could go for some cuddling.
rensong: (Default)
I feel... better. Not great, but after a hot bath I feel a bit closer to normal. Hopefully it will last.
rensong: (Default)
Skipped my two classes this morning to drive Nine home, cause the whole anxious thing reached it's peak and it was either start home with Nine or randomly break out crying all day. Made it half-way there before a full-blown, light-headed, "why are my hands tingling" panic attack caused me to have to pull over at a gas station and call Dad to come get me while I cried into the phone.

Dad came and got Nine, and by the time we met at the gas station, I had calmed down enough to drive myself back home. I felt like a giant heel for cutting into their plans and making Dad drive 30 miles out of his way. Ugh, I hate this. And here I thought I was doing so well with the whole Anxiety thing.

Managed to get back to the Point house without too much difficulty, though there were a few more bouts of random crying on the way. Followed by a good half hour or so of solid bawling when I got back. Then I slept for three hours. Still feel kinda crappy (does anyone actually feel better after hours-long crying jags?), but I did eat something and I haven't randomly started bawling since I woke up. Progress is progress and all that.

Watching Due South. Not sure if it's helping, but at least it keeps me distracted.
rensong: (Default)
Annual emotional breakdown strikes again. And I really thought I had managed to keep it at bay this year.
rensong: (Default)
The problem with having an uncommon, un-heeded, stress-and-anxiety-related cry fest at 8 am is that it takes so damned long for you're face to get back to normal afterwards. Especially if you keep crying, dammit.

Aaaarg, I hate crying. I know I should do it more cause, you know, scientific fact about how bad it is for you to hold it all in, but still.


The Weepy Phone Call Home happened this morning after my last post. At least it was at a decent time instead of 2 in the morning.

Taking Nine home after class. I feel like a wuss.
rensong: (not so far away)
Nine is fine. I'm the one with the anxiety issues.

Had a minor anxiety attack last night - not enough to call my mommy at 2 in the morning (though I might've if I knew they were at home), but enough that I spent the night on the couch because my stomach was all knotted up and I wanted to be closer to the bathroom just in case. And enough so that I got up at 6 this morning to go check on Nine again and let her out for a bit. She did use the bathroom this time, which is one less thing to worry about... and yet I still do.

My brain knows that Nine will be fine, but that doesn't stop the Worst Case scenarios from jumping around in there and only increasing my anxieties.


Arg, stupid brain. I though we were over this whole Worry Yourself Sick thing.
rensong: (not so far away)
Cutting this because I have a feeling it's going to be long

my issues, let me show them to you )

Told you it was going to be long. Cookies and virtual baked goods to all you who made it all the way through. Oh, and here's a few towels to wipe off the excess Emo.

Oh, god. That took an hour and a half to write. I'm going to bed now.

I do, however, feel slightly better. Who knew writing this stuff down actually helps a bit?
rensong: (Default)
I am so sorry, Em! I had no intention for your mother to go barging in on you with the conviction that I needed someone to drive me instead of driving myself! She's a lot faster then she looks. One minute I was looking for something in my bag, only half listening to what your mom was rambling about, the next she was on her way up stairs to drag you and/or your dad out of bed to chouffer (sp, I know) me around, despite all my "No, really, I'll be okay"s I hope she didn't wake you up!

Anyway, after feeling disgusting most of the early morning and finally being able to fall asleep for an hour or so around 5:00 this morning, and then still feeling disgusting for a good chunk after I woke up, I felt okay (still kinda crappy, but such is life) enough to drive a few miles down 29 to meet my parents at a gas station instead of having them come all the way to Wausau to rescue me. I still felt kind of crappy, and thankfully Mom and Dad came together, so Dad took Coyote and I rode in the VW with Mom the rest of the way home.

Once we got there, Ben called and it was decided that it would be easier for him and Shana to meet us at Gramma's in town instead of driving all the way out to the homestead. I was planning on going along, but while I was feeling a bit better, I was also pretty sure I still wouldn't be very good company, and the thought of getting back in the car and driving some more was entirely unappealing. Also, I was exhausted, so I decided to just sent my regards with Mom and Dad, and then I crashed on the couch for two hours. Woke up feeing quite a bit better (still not 100 percent, but one takes what one can get) and decided to make the trek back to Plover while I still felt decent enough. The trip was uneventful, and I got back here around 4:15 this afternoon.

Melissa and Steve were here to watch the game when I got back, so we did some musical cars to get everyone to fit into the driveway without blocking someone in. Then the five of us (me, Dan, Dustin, Mandy, and Melissa) sat around to watch the Packers vs Giants game. Which the Packers lost in over time, but like I said last week, I didn't care so much about this game, as long as the Cowboys lost last week.

At some point, I mentioned that I had been naughty and picked up the Anniversary Edition of Labyrinth last night at Walmart (I really can't afford frivolous spending, but since I got my Financial Aid change check in the mail yesterday, I don't feel *as* guilty. Just ignore the fact that I didn't know I had gotten my change check until this afternoon when I got back). And then Steve said that he had never seen it. So Melissa decided he needed to be introduced to the crack that is Labyrinth. So now we are watching Labyrinth and being scarred by David Bowie and his tights.
rensong: (Default)
It is almost three o'clock in the morning. I am tired and really want to go to sleep, but that ain't happening since all these pesky anxieties decided to rear their ugly heads just as I laid down to go to bed. That paired with the cold, and upset tummy, and just a general "I kind of want my mommy" feeling makey Maren unable to do the sleep thing. Maybe Em's room has high EMF or something, cause this happened last time I was here, too, only it hit in the morning. Who knows.
rensong: (Default)
Okay, now that school is less than a week away, I'm getting kind of nervous. And anxious. And worried. And mildly freaked out. There are all these "What if" factors going through my head; what if it wasn't just St. Cloud? What if the same thing that happened there happens here? What if I get sick again? What if I'm just not cut out for the stresses of school anymore? What if I can't make enough money?

What if what if what if... Usually I am ever the optimist and manage to keep the What If Factors to a minimum, but it's amazing what one bad experience will do for ones self confidence.

I'm not freaking out too bad yet, but who knows what the next few days will bring.
rensong: (future)
I am listening to my so named "emo music" list and looking the kind of punch in the gut fic that leaves an impression. Any suggestions? I'm not looking for all out angst here, but partial angst would be welcome.
rensong: (Default)
Currently in the middle of one of those Moments I've had every now and again the past few weeks. At least this is just a general "Oh my god, what is *wrong* with me!?" freak out rather than a Freaking vs Not Caring Moment.

But still, Distractions welcome. The one person I talk too on MSN on a regular basis who I actually told about The Moments really isn't good at the distraction thing, and at this point, I'm not even sure he remembers I'm online looking for distractions.

So. Distract me? Please? Pictures, funny stories, whatever.
rensong: (Default)
Had another Moment this morning when I got up, bad enough that I couldn't stay in bed anymore without Thinking Too Much and making it worse. So, I got up. And then I went and got a hug from my mom and actually attempted to tell her what was wrong. "Attempted" being the key word there because, since I never do it, I have little to no clue how to talk about my feelings. I think she got the idea, though, because in the end basically what I said is "You know those emotions I've been repressing for the last 20 years? I think they're starting to sneak back up on me" and she said "I understand where you're coming from, and we're here for you. We'll figure out something." Which I knew, but its nice to hear it out loud.

On a different note, Auggy has a vet appointment at 9. We have about an inch and a half/two inches on the ground. Thankfully the vet is only about 5 miles away, but I imagine the roads won't be pleasant for those 5 miles. Also, the task of getting a strong, leggy, 80+ pound puppy into a car he doesn't want to go into should prove quite challenging. And likely amusing on my behalf as I struggle with the dog and dad sits in the car laughing at me.
rensong: (Default)
I could very much use a good cuddle at the moment. Unfortunately, there is still a blizzard happening outside and the roads are god-awful, and I am not going to ask anyone to drive through a blizzard on icky roads just because I feel insecure. ::sighs::

In other news, the Storm Spotter class thingy was extremely interesting. Granted, I already knew what to look for with most of the stuff, but I did find out that you can judge the development stage of a storm cell by making note of the time it takes between when the strong wind sheer start whipping everything around and when the precipitation starts falling. If winds are followed almost immediately by precip, the storm is likely in its mature and strongest stage. If it takes a little while between the wind sheer and the precip falling, the storm is likely still developing. Dad and I both found that extremely cool.

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February 2012

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